The Antidote

I wrote this for obrigado:

Real Life Aliens: The Not-So-Secret-Seven

If you’ve ever looked at certain celebrities and thought “you can’t be for real!!”, you may not have been too far off the mark. We have it on good authority that the following stars are not just off their heads, but literally from off the planet.

Riaan Cruywagen: He used to channel a news reading bunny, his hair piece is the latest in extraterrestrial hi-tech fashion and his cultivated death-warmed-up look is beyond the ken of earthly medicine.

Keith Richards: Schnarfing your own father’s ashes is just not the done thing in this part of the solar system.

Patricia Lewis: It’s a known fact that producers of German erotic thrillers don’t cast Earthlings on principle.

Michael Jackson: Unlike Jared Leto, who’s trying very hard to appear alien, Michael has managed to fool millions into believing that he is humanoid for decades.

John Voigt: One look at the man should make it patently obvious that there is no way for him to have fathered Angelina Jolie without very substantial assistance from an unthinkably advanced civilisation.

Ozzy Osbourne: He bites the heads off doves and bats and converses in an incomprehensible language, recently identified as closely related to a dialect spoken in the neighbourhood of Lupus Major.

Donatella Versace: The lips, the nose, the cellulite, the skimpy bikinis – you’ve always known there’s something seriously odd about her… now you know why.

Steve Buscemi: Used his freaky alien eyes to hypnotise the Coen Brothers into casting him in more of their movies than John Turturro.

Mickey Rourke: Oh, Mickey used to be so fine, but after 9 1/2 weeks, no hair implant or face lift on Earth had the power to stem his otherworldly rate of bodily decay.

Helena Bonham Carter: Her dress sense is a clue, but it’s the state of her hair that’s the dead give-away: she’s permanently primed for transmissions from her home planet.

Susan Shabangu: She graduated with honours from the Judge Dredd “Shoot-First-Ask-Questions-After-The-Autopsy” Police Academy in a galaxy far, far away.